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Daniel Day-Lewis Admits to Using Acting Steroids

In a shocking revelation, two-time Oscar-winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has admitted to using performance enhancing steroids throughout his career. “People in the film industry have suspected this for years,” says studio executive Gordon Flecchart. “I mean, the same guy did My Left Foot, Gangs of New York, There Will Be Blood, and Lincoln without some kind of juice? Please.”

Day-Lewis will come clean in a sit-down interview with Oprah Winfrey next week, following her conversations with Lance Armstrong, Manti Te’o, and Syrian president Bashar al-Assad. During the interview, Day-Lewis not only admits to using steroids but confesses his real name is Jake Scoliosky and that he was born in Brooklyn. “Jake always thought British actors got more respect so he started taking drugs to make himself act more British,” says Lou Finnakell, Day-Lewis’ early acting coach. “From then on, he believed he actually was Daniel Day-Lewis. After bulking up for My Beautiful Laundrette and A Room with a View, the lies just got worse and worse and directors did nothing to stop him.”

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences announced it will strip Day-Lewis of his two Academy Awards as well as his current nomination for Lincoln and must fill in the fifth slot for the upcoming Oscar ceremonies with an acting nominee guaranteed not to raise any suspicions of doping. Says an Academy spokesperson, “Maybe the entire male cast of Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 2. Or did Keanu Reeves make anything last year?”

SPENCER GREEN was born in a crossfire hurricane, which he later refurbished and sold for a tidy profit. He has written for In Living Color, AAAHH!!! Real Monsters, Duckman, Mad TV, The Fairly Oddparents, Denis Leary’s Merry F#%$in’ Christmas, and Americana for BBC Radio. He was a coeditor of Leonard Maltin's Movie Encyclopedia and also edited We'll Never Be Young Again: Remembering the Last Days of John F. Kennedy. Mr. Green performs at the Los Angeles comedic writers' salon Sit 'n Spin and is coauthor/colyricist of BUKOWSICAL! which won Outstanding Musical at the 2007 New York International Fringe Festival and recently played at St. Louis’ New Line Theatre. He also writes for The Huffington Post and created the parody movie Web site The Parallel Universe Film Guide. Mr. Green, like Machete, don’t tweet.

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